Embracing Your Numbered Days

November 6, 2023November 7, 2023 / Susan Hanshaw / Leave a comment

As someone who has always celebrated events which mark the passage of time, I have been dumbfounded by the revelation I’ve been having the last couple of years, that yes, my days are numbered and that life is indeed finite.

I have always been keenly aware of when one season is transitioning to the next, pausing to anticipate how the tone of my days will likely change. My husband regularly teases me when I alert him to the date in which the current season will change to the next. I hold a curiosity of how lunar changes may impact my own and the energies around me, so I deliver unsolicited full moon advisories to anyone who is close to me.

I thought that these efforts signaled that I was being conscious of the cycle of life. Maybe I was. But I recognize now that it was on a small scale. At 64 I feel I have been hit on the head with the revelation of the finite nature of life.

Acknowledging my mortality

I’ve been a journal keeper throughout my adult life, diligent to document my emotional journey as I navigate the various stages of my life. I’ve also kept a wish list for my life. As I update this list at least once a year to anticipate the new year, it’s been interesting to see what gets crossed out and what gets added. The charcoal brown Mercedes lost its appeal in my 40s. My desire to stay fit, healthy, and live my life from a spiritual perspective never has left me.

One wish was that my parents live to be the age of 80. One year I crossed that out and changed it to 85. My dad is now two months away from 89 and my mom 86. My father was diagnosed with dementia a couple of years ago. It’s been a hardship that has especially impacted my parents. If the dementia weren’t enough, my dad’s eyesight is so bad that he cannot read and the arthritis so bad in his back that his physical movement cannot extend past a 90 degree hunchback.

Recognizing that my parents are now physically vulnerable, and my mother as a constantly tired caretaker, has shown me a mirror to my own mortality. These two people who have given me life, who grew to be friends who I embarked upon adventures which ranged from travel to the family room. I recognize they are just one generation ahead of me.

Overcoming the fear of what comes with aging

I can’t really say that I have a fear of aging itself. While I don’t like many of the physical manifestations that come with getting older, I don’t fear the process. I feel good about who I am at this age and try to manage the physical aspects as best as I can.

What I have the greatest trepidation about is death itself. I am someone who likes to understand how things work. The unknown of leaving this worldly plane is my biggest fear.

What’s going to happen?
Will I get to be with my loved ones?
What will life be like on the other side?

I’ve read books involving people who have had near-death experiences, as well as those who have been brought back to former lives through deep hypnosis. I found these stories to be fascinating at first, yet going deeper began to feel like too much information. I think I’ll work on my faith and let that adventure unfold when it’s time.

The Gift of Perspective

There is a gift in recognizing that the stopwatch for life does not run on unlimited time. My cousin, a successful building contractor, lost his wife to an aggressive cancer at the time they were beginning a retirement planned for global travel. A favorite client in great shape recently passed away suddenly from a rare heart condition at age 62. “Do it now while you still can” has been a mantra passed on by family and friends that I have recently been taking ultra seriously. What more do I need to put things in perspective?

I am a harsh judge of myself. I don’t give myself enough credit for what I’ve done in my life. I tend to put more focus on what I need to do better. Yet as I look at my life in terms of unlimited time, the value I place on what needs to get done is changing. I can’t continue to take for granted that I will be physically able to do the many things that are on my bucket list. I realize that I must begin making some of those plans now.

If this strikes a chord with you, I’d love to hear why in your comments. Thanks for visiting.

Fight for What You Want in Life

November 29, 2014March 6, 2021 / Susan Hanshaw / Leave a comment

Six months ago a routine check-up with my doctor landed me on the scale and I was horrified seeing my weight results. I knew from how my pants were fitting that I’d gained some inches yet I had no idea that I had hit my heaviest weight ever. I moaned to the nurse who kindly told me that women had a tendency to gain weight after menopause and that I looked good. That wasn’t enough for me. I wanted to be lean and fit.

I was a fat kid all the way until I was 19, when one day I woke up and decided I didn’t want to be overweight anymore and set out to lose 40 pounds. So my thing with not wanting to be overweight has hung with me throughout my adult life.

After my visit to the doctor I started researching menopause and weight gain. I learned that while drops in estrogen do have an impact on weight gain, the bottom line is that how much you exercise also impacts how much weight you gain or lose. I was not willing to just settle on being a menopause weight gain statistic. The battle was on!

While I’d faithfully committed to a 3-4 times a week workout regime for 25 years, that frequency was no longer producing the results I wanted. I recognized that I needed to crank up the volume to drop the weight. Thankfully, with the help of my fiance who added 2-3 more workout sessions per week in the form of tennis, I dropped 12 pounds over the summer. And it was fun!

Little did I know that the best was yet to come. Late in the summer I discovered Pure Barre.

Pure Barre is described as ballet meets Pilates, neither of which I’d had much experience with. All of these years I have foolishly believed that my heart rate had to be riding high while I was sweating profusely to get a proper workout. Wrong!

The Pure Barre technique is designed to fatigue your muscles to the point of shaking and then stretch out to achieve long, lean muscles. I’m three months into it now with a changed body. Tomorrow I will complete the 20 classes in 30 days challenge. I am now fitting better in jeans I bought a dozen years ago than I did then. Over the course of the past month I’ve moved from wondering how I will endure the intense back-to-back workouts to realizing it could be my new routine.

Fight for what you want

The lesson I learned here was not to simply accept how life is playing out if it isn’t what you want. We can all change the course of destiny by taking steps to redirect the ship onto another course. Sometimes that might mean trying something completely new, but doesn’t that make the experience of life richer? And if you really want it badly, aren’t you okay with working hard for it?

Are You Making the Most of the Days of Your Life?

November 16, 2014March 6, 2021 / Susan Hanshaw / Leave a comment

Tonight I learned that my 51-year-old cousin has colon cancer that has spread to her lymph nodes. She’s got a husband, two older kids and six months of chemo–I hear–in front of her. My cousin and I aren’t close friends but we share the bond of family and I love her. I pray that she will beat this incredible challenge and thrive.

I learned about my cousin’s condition on a phone call tonight with my mother. It reminded me of how vulnerable we all are, going about our lives thinking that we are free from harm–that something bad will never happen to us. I’m guilty of this big time and I know that this thinking gets in the way of me getting totally serious about taking total control of my life.

The Days are Numbered Mindset

I think that the biggest gift that we can all give ourselves is the constant realization that our days are numbered. I’m embarrassed by the fact that I am a native Californian who has never been to Yosemite. I’ve wanted to learn Spanish but I haven’t lifted a finger. There are so many other things that I’ve said I wanted to do that I haven’t followed through on. As I now feel the clock ticking, I see that everyday decisions make a difference in the quality of our lives.

Learning about my cousin has given me the desire to want to see her life dreams carried out. At the same time it has inspired me to focus on my own. What are they? What are yours?

Is 50 the New 30??

February 15, 2009March 6, 2021 / Susan Hanshaw / 16 Comments

I’m not going to hide from it. I am turning 50 this year. A year and a half ago I attended my 30th high school reunion and reconnected with a number of people from my youth who are also turning 50 this year. Suddenly I’m noticing the statement, “50 is the new 30” being thrown around. Hmm, I ponder. Is it true, or are we just fooling ourselves?

I’ve always believed that age is very much a state of mind, yet decorum and a dose of reality do come into play. I have four beautiful mini skirts hanging in my closet that I can’t bear to part with, but I know will never again see the light (or dark) of day, at least on my body. I can’t leave the house now without a pair of glasses because I can’t read a menu, ingredients on a label, or anything I might have to sign my name to without help. And the gray hair that I have inherited has made me recognize that I can choose to replace it with any color that I want.

If these are the biggest grievances I have about turning 50 (and they are!), then I consider myself pretty darn blessed. Although I still fit into and wear clothes I had long before I was 30, I’ve come to the conclusion that, at least for me, I don’t feel 30. And that’s a good thing.

Why 50 is better than 30: